CRASH AND BOOM PARENTING

My wife and I are the parents of a severely autistic adult. We learned that something might be atypical with our son when he was three and a pediatrician friend of ours pointed out that his constant habit of bending over, putting his head between his legs, and looking at everything upside down might not be “typical toddler behavior.” So, we had him tested and our son was diagnosed with what 22 years ago they called “Pediatric Developmental Disorder.”

 

His version of autism is:

• Semi-verbal – he communicates by quoting lines from TV shows and movies that he’s memorized (not unlike many neurotypical 20-somethings, except it’s SpongeBob, Yo Gabba Gabba, and recently Saving Private Ryan for some reason…).

• Very sensitive to sound – the birds chirping in the morning are his latest annoyance; it’s hard to explain to him that this is just what birds do and some people actually find it quite nice.

• A slave to routine – he keeps to his schedule to the minute, even when he’s stopped enjoying an activity. It’s hard to watch him sit waiting for the clock to move to 10:10 exactly in order to go run errands because that’s what we did one time two years ealier.

• Charming when happy; violent when angry – we’ve lost count of the holes in drywall he’s punched and kicked, windows he’s broken, and screens (from TVs to iPads) he’s smashed. In fact, over the course of the weekend my wife and I drafted this, he broke a window and a TV! He’s only rarely directed his violence toward my wife and I, but it’s been enough to always have that concern, too.

 

Autism is very challenging to manage – every autistic person is different so what works for one family with an autistic child often doesn’t apply to another. And our experience is that “solutions” (or really ways of managing him) are often temporal – they work for a time but aren’t the panacea we hope for.

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At between 18-21, most government-provided autism services end. Even before then, we understandably struggled to find programs (public or private) that would tolerate his level of aggression. We get it – volunteers don’t sign up to get iPads thrown at their heads… But this leaves families like ours in a difficult situation – what do you do with a violent adult child that no one will take? How do you encourage a fulfilling life without letting him consume everything you are? What happens when we can’t care for him any longer?

 

And unfortunately, this is a growing problem. According to the CDC, in 2002, the number of kids diagnosed with autism was 1 in 150; in 2020, it had grown to 1 in 36. I’m sure there are factors like better awareness and more common testing that has contributed to this growth – not to mention that the range of symptoms considered “on the autism spectrum” has certainly grown over the years. But regardless, there is a wave of children and teens that is already overwhelming the limited available services. 

 

Our recent focus has been on our son’s living situation. For the last eight years, he’s lived in a basement apartment in our home that has afforded a level of independence while keeping him close. Unfortunately, that has become unsustainable - the drywall damage alone is monumental. Not to mention that my wife and I also want to live our lives in peace and enjoy this stage of our lives, too. A weekend away that ends in thousands of dollars in destruction is not what we’re looking for…

 

This site is purely meant to share what we've learned building a sustainable situation for our violent autistic son. You won't get parenting advice or suggestions for therapies, medications, or diets here - just how to keep your child from destroying where you live and how to keep him or her safe from themselves. Feel free to send us your thoughts, questions, and suggestions, and we'll incorporate them into updates. Good luck, moms and dads! You can survive this! You're not alone!